haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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