I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
