I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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