Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
