this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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