my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
