His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
