why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
