I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
