Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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