Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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