Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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