well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
