We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
