You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize