Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
