Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
