I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
