I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
