i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
