I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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