Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
