im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
