Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
