why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize