why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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