the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
