your parents love me but you hate me
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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