we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
