I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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