life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
