chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
