Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
