Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
