If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
