Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
