A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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