im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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