I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize