god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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