I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
