I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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