my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
