Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
