I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize