from now on my penis is your penis
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Randomize
