Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
