I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize