The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
