When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize