On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The best revenge is premature balding
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
