You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
a search helicopter?!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
