I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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