i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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