if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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