God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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