I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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