Only a mothe r could love this liver
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
