the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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